Hate and Forgiveness: After Divorce

I've talked about my divorce and every once in awhile, I go more in depth as to what happened.  Today, I want to talk about the aftermath.

 My divorce went very smoothly.  The Ex and I had been friends since Junior High and we wanted to remain friendly, especially because we have a child together.  We agreed on everything from child support to spousal support to custody to asset division.  The problem came once the divorce was final and he was getting the payment of my 401k.  We had agreed to put extra in the agreement so that I could have a chunk to pay off some debt--mostly incurred because of him.  But now, he has the power.  He receives the money and decides whether to give me what we agreed to.

Now, I'm not here to talk about the whys and wherefores of my marriage, divorce, or agreements.  I'm writing about the abuse.  While we were married, I would never have thought he was abusive, although in a sense he was.  He wasn't supportive, he didn't do things for me, he only cared about himself, and he complained about everything--especially that we didn’t have enough money.  I kept working my ass off to support us and when he complained, I'd work harder and get promoted.  While doing so, however, I discovered or rediscovered me.  I was never the person who allowed people to walk on me and yet, I had been doing it for years with him.

So, when he got his money, he decided to be a total dick and keep my portion.  The worst part is that he tried to put our son in the middle of it.  Luckily, the Boy is strong and it hasn't harmed him (I hope). His reasoning for keeping my money was that I'll earn it back in just a few months, while he doesn't know how he is going to support himself past April.  Here's an idea--get a job!  But I digress.  When I confronted him about the money he became abusive and nasty, and yes, he made me cry.

I had to think about it though as to why I was crying.  Was it because of how mean he was being?  I mean, I had never heard him use such language to me or about me or in fact, anyone in all the years I've known him . . . Since junior high.  It was horrible, but I have been subjected to worse from others back in the day, so I don't think that was it.  Was it because he was keeping my money?  Possibly--after all, he was keeping about $5000 that I had earmarked to pay stuff off.  But, no--in the long run, I just adjusted my finances and I'll survive. 

I think what the crying came down to was the sadness I felt that he is feeling the way he does.  I can't really describe his feelings, obviously, but he's not the person I thought I knew all these years.  He's not the man who fathered my child.  He's not the boy that I hung out with as a teenager.  He's not the person his parents think he is. He's not the musician that could make a whole lot of money if he just worked at it and played the game.

What he is, is a pathetic excuse for a man.  He refuses to get a job to make ends meet, because he is a musician.  His music should support him.  Unfortunately though, he doesn't or hasn't really gone after that dream.  He has sat back, waiting for people to come to him.  As we all know, money doesn't come knocking at your door without you making an effort to get it.

So, my crying comes down to what?  The lost past?  The wasted past? The unknown future?  The loss of friendship? The fear that my son will soon understand that his father is a bum? All of the above?  When I started writing this, I thought maybe I knew.  But now, at the end of the thought process, I still don't know.  I guess I'll think on it more and go from there.

Until next time, much peace and love . . . .