Hurt Feelings

For all my bluster and bitchiness, I get my feelings hurt very easily.  I care too much and love too hard and easily.  I take what people say at face value, because I say what I mean, so I expect others do too.  I sit here typing this with tears in my eyes . . . no good reason, just hurt feelings today.  And from sources that really shouldn't matter.  But, they do.  And, because my feelings are hurt, I sit here alone and type . . . wearing my heart on my sleeve and wishing I had someone here to tell me it's going to be ok.  Someone to hold me.  Someone to just give a crap.  But, I don't.  So, I'm having my very own pity party.  Tomorrow, I'll be fine, but for tonight, I'm going to let myself cry it out.

Until next time, much peace and love.

Flaws?

I just don't get it. I keep meeting these "great" guys, but they are flawed.  Now, I'm not looking for perfection, but these are big flaws . . . like rips in their moral fabric.  They lie, they cheat, they are only looking for sex, they are possessive (like scary possessive), they present themselves one way and then their true character comes out.  I'm so over this.

And believe me, I'm not trying to jump into any relationships, but I would like to take what they say at face value.  Unfortunately, I can't. If I did, I'd be hurt every time.  I don't put my heart into any of these encounters, thank goodness.  But, it bothers me because I want to see the best in everyone and because I am totally honest and straight forward with them.  They say they are, but the truth always comes out.

I'm not ready to give up . . . I know the right one is out there.  My question is how many frogs to I have to kiss to find my prince?

SMDH and moving on.

Until next time, much peace and love.

Confusing But Enjoying

This whole dating scene is confusing, but I'm enjoying it.

The guy I wrote about last time is still somewhat in the picture, but he doesn't contact me often and makes a point of calling me friend.  Now that's all fine and dandy--and he said friends first, but he's not really making a move to move beyond that.  And that's ok.

There are a couple of others, one I've been out with a couple of times and he's really sweet, and another that we don't ever seem to be able to schedule.  That should be a sign.

Then there is this new one.  DAMN!  He is fantastic and scares the crap out of me because we are clicking quick.  I probably shouldn't even write all of this, but I'm putting it out there.  I like him already.  So--here goes nothing. 

Until next time, much peace and love.

A Gentleman?

I have just had a unique experience. I'm out there dating and meeting new men.  Some have been better than others, but for the most part, they haven't really gone anywhere.  I know I have high expectations, but I refuse to lower them. I did that for too long.  So, there are times when I get extremely disappointed in the male species.

Recently though, I met a man who seems to be pretty awesome.  He seems to be up front and honest and not play games.  There are times that he doesn't pay me enough attention (read--I like attention!), but he is consistent in texting and calling fairly regularly.

He is a manly man--tall, big, strong, owns his own home, clean, organized, works a lot, rides dirt bikes, owns horses, the whole nine yards. I went to his house the first time we met and he came to mine the other night.  We spent a great evening together and I even cooked dinner for him.  Then we watched the Lakers game and he didn't yell and coach--it was fantastic.

So after all this, I didn't hear from him much on the weekend and I was kind of bummed out.  I was thinking I read him wrong and set myself up for disappointment again. So, imagine my surprise when I got home from work yesterday and had a thank you card in my mailbox from him.  I mean, who does that?  An amazing man, that's who. 

So . . . I'm trying to wrap my head around this and accept him at face value.  He's actually making it kind of easy. Now, I just have to get past the cynical instinct, the past that has colored how I see the future, and just be present in the moment.

Until next time, much love and peace.

Living My Life

My divorce was final yesterday. I celebrated by going to the P!nk concert. What a fantastic show!

I'm happy the divorce is done....just a few more loose ends to tie up.

In the meantime, putting myself out there and dating s variety of men. I got burned a couple of times, but since my heart isn't involved, it's all good. We'll call those learning experiences.

Until next time, much love and peace.

Uncle

Seriously? Am I 16 again? I can't believe that people turn a complete 180 in just a couple of days time. This is ridiculous. I give up.

Feeling Special

I may just be a little in love with this guy. He seems to be everything I've ever wanted and needed in a man. I'm trying not to be the giddy girl, but wow...he rocks my world.

Stay tuned....let's see how this plays out.

Until next time, much peace and love.

Is He the ONE?

I've been all over the place with this blog, and if anyone is reading it, probably thinks I'm crazy.  But, I've just been trying to find myself and what I've been missing.

My divorce is almost final, and not a minute too soon.  The "new" love interest went in a different direction.  Not a bad thing, just not a love interest.  I would say he's my best male friend and we are able to talk and help each other through trying times.   He's the one that told me to get out there and start dating, and following his advice, I did so.

After meeting a couple of frogs, I think I may have found my Prince . . . if not my King.  He is a wonderful man, smart, funny, good looking, and a great dad.  He amazes me with all he does, and he thinks I'm beautiful.  We are exploring where this relationship will go, but we are both looking forward to knowing each other better and being in each other's lives.  I feel like he has been sent to me from the Creator to be the one, but I don't want to jinx anything.

Until we know more, we'll continue on the journey to becoming a couple. 

Much love and peace.

The Journey of One

They were married for a very long time.  He ignored her and refused to do things with her or for her.  He refused to get a job and help with the household expenses, but he was a “stay at home father.”  The only problem with that is that the child was in daycare when not in school, and she paid for that too.  When he did make some money, he only gave a small portion toward paying bills . . . he preferred to indulge in his vice.  Eventually, she came to realize that she had lost herself somewhere along the way, so she started working on improving her own life and outlook.  He didn’t notice.  He cared only about himself and what he wanted to do, and then complained that there wasn’t enough money.  Essentially, he was saying, you make a good salary and pay all the bills, clean the house, etc., but it’s not enough.  Go make more so I can play.  Then one weekend, she had a fling.  She wasn’t proud of it, but she felt cherished and like a woman again.  He found out and of course, gave her hell.  She agreed to go to marriage counseling with him.  After six months, it just wasn’t working.  He would say one thing at the counseling sessions and do another at home.  And, it kept coming back to her indiscretion with him, although he admitted he had done things that she would not have like, he insisted that he never cheated.  At the end of six months of counseling, she said she wanted a divorce.  She still harbored a great deal of resentment and anger toward him, and didn’t want to end up hating him.  They came up with an agreement to avoid any major issues in the divorce process—essentially, she paid for everything, including for him to move out.  And within four months, moved in with his female “friend” . . . she’s like a sister, he said.  Shortly after he moved out, she discovered that he had been having an affair since the last three months of counseling.  In fact, he would leave the other woman’s bed and go straight to the early morning counseling sessions, where he would act righteous and indignant.  And now, he thinks that she is jealous of all the fun that he has, when, in reality, she is relieved to be on her own and is continuing her journey of self-discovery.  The journey is rough sometimes, but she knows, that in the end, it is her journey and not influenced by the actions or inactions of another.

Tomes, They Are A'changing

My stress levels have gone down a lot.  I made lists of what I need to do and I'm following them. I find that when I'm getting overwhelmed, usually creating lists helps.  What I found this time is that I don't really have a lot I have to do, just a lot that I want to do. Now that it is Lt all jumbled in my head, I'm much better.

Until next time, much love and peace....

Slogging Through my Brain

Here I am, just back from a lovely vacation, and my stress levels are through the roof.  I'm supposed to be totally relaxed, but people are just sending my problems left and right.  It's a busy time at work, and I can't get anything done.  Everything is a priority, which means that nothing is a priority.  Sigh . . ..

Then today, I got a package from the courts that I didn't complete my divorce paperwork correctly, so I have to go in and have someone help me.   One more thing to schedule in my hectic schedule and it has to be done so I can get this shit finalized.

Oh well, I am strong and this blip in the road will not get me down.

Until later, much love and peace.

A New Direction

I haven't posted much lately, because I've been going through a lot of personal changes.

I'm in the middle of a divorce and even though everyone know it, it's been difficult for me to express myself. I wanted the divorce, but I can't help feeling like I've failed. Even though I did everything I could to make it work, it takes two. There are a lot of things I could sit here and blame him for, but ultimately, we both just stopped trying.

It's sad really, because all the things I wanted him to do with me, he is now doing with his new girlfriend. I'm happy for him, but can't help but wonder why he couldn't do these things with me. I guess I broke him in for her, but damn....25 years of hell on my end.

I'm more sad because he has no relationship with his son. He tried to tell the Boy about wanting to date this girl, but what he doesn't realize is that we both saw the nasty messages between him and this girl before we even finally separated. He is just clueless and still tries to say they are just starting out. Mind you...he lives with her too.  Oh well, not my problem.

I do have a "new" love interest and we are taking it one day at a time. He is also going through a separation/divorce and we are trying to work it all out. He lives in another state, so it is difficult at times. I did get to see him recently and when we're together, things are beautiful. He treats me like a queen. Even if it doesn't work out with us, at least I know there are men out there that do treat their women right.

So for now, I'll keep doing me and remembering who me is. I lost myself for a very long time and now I'm remembering what a fun, vibrant person I really am.

Until next time...much love and peace....

Life is Good

I seem to blog more at my joint blog with my Sis at www.sistercasm.blogspot.com; however, I'm trying to get updated here too.

Life is going really good right now.  The pain I've experienced over the last 25 years is subsiding . . . it's still there, but I'm wrapping my head around it and moving on.  I have found someone that treats me right and I truly appreciate it.  There are times when he drives me crazy, like when he doesn't contact me for a couple of days, but I have to remember that he is honest, straight forward, and doesn't play games.  I'm working on that.

I'll have more to say about this whole thing later, but not ready to put it on this blog just yet.

Thanks for listening.

Excitement Mounting

Only 24 hours until my birthday vacation trip and I'm getting more and more excited.  Of course, it's been snowing all day at my destination and there are travel advisories . . . better not impede me getting there.  That's all I have to say. 

Bwahahahaha . . .

Senseless Violence

Once again, a senseless tragedy has occurred with the bombings of the Boston Marathon.  I don't understand the minds of those that perform these acts of terrorism.  Yes--I said terrorism.  Whether foreign or domestic, it is terrorism.

The Boston Marathon was dedicated to Newtown, in memory of those lost in the senseless shootings there.  Now not only the people of Newtown have been exposed to more senseless violence, so have the rest of us.

It's frightening to know that there are people out there that care nothing for human life, have no values, and no code of honor.  This bombing will trigger yet more nonsense from both sides of the gun control issue, and those already on edge will be pushed over the edge.

Our children deserve to grow up in a world where they can feel safe doing their normal, daily routines.  Yet they don't.

My prayer for all is that we can come together and be stronger for all of this, and hopefully stem the tide of violence.

God bless.

Excitement Expanding

I'm getting so excited.  Getting ready for a vacation in Colorado to see some old friends and renew a friendship with someone I haven't seen in 26 years.  The excitement is building and I have butterflies in my stomache, but I know it's going to be great!

Renewed and Improved

I had an epiphany yesterday.  I have been hiding myself from the world.  I realized that I allowed the Ex to keep me down, which I knew to an extent, but didn't realize how deep it really was.  I allowed him to "put me in a corner" and that is unacceptable.  Afterall, "nobody puts Baby in a corner."

I realized all the weight gain, lack of energy, reluctance to go do anything, and crappy clothing choices were because he either made comments or ignored me.  So, I ate more to gain weight and downplayed my looks, subconsciously thinking that if I made myself more invisible, it would justify these actions on his part.

Well, no more of that.  I got rid of all the granny clothes; I'm comfortable in my looks and carriage.  No longer will I be the wallflower I found myself to be in recent years.  That's right, the Bitch is back and I take no prisoners.

Friday Night Blues

Feeling kind of blue tonight. Coming off a fun vacation and got lots accomplished when I got back, but now, I'm not sure what to do.  I think I just need to chill and work on me.

It's been a long time coming...

Been busy for awhile. The Man moved out...it's been a long time coming. I'm a free woman now and living life to the fullest.

Happy (Belated) New Year

Early Saturday morning . . . don't want to be up, but no choice.  I'm happy that 2013 has arrived and so far, I'm doing what I need to do.  One of my biggest things is to get out of my own head and just go out and take life by the horns and enjoy it.  We always say, "Life is short, make the most of it. Or, you only live once."  But really, how many of us actually do that?  I've said it over and over again, until I'm blue in the face, but I still do nothing, sit at home, watching tv, reading, drinking . . . alone.  Well, no more.  I still do those things (because I enjoy them), but I'm adding to the list . . . I made a list of goals and I'm sticking to them.  Granted--it's only January 12th, but I'm doing it, dammit.

So, here are my goals and wishing you a very happy and prosperous 2013!

13 Goals for 2013

1.       Spending

a.       Create a realistic budget

b.      Spend only what is on budget

c.       Save—even if it’s only $5 a pay check

d.      Create an envelope system to save/spend on wish list items

e.      Buy groceries—limit eating out to 2x per month

f.        Try a “cash only” approach

g.       Always use lists and prioritize

 

2.       Eating

a.       Buy food and groceries—cook instead of fast food

b.      Pack lunch with food I’ll actually eat (plan!)

c.       Keep logging in food journal

d.      Substitute fruit and veggies for snacks

 

3.       Exercise

a.       Be realistic

b.      Walking is key—try for every day, even if it is only 10-15 minutes

c.       Calendar exercise programs and keep the appointment—try for every day, even if it is only 10-15 minutes

d.      Stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch . . . did I mention stretch?

e.      Keep logging in exercise journal

f.        Keep a positive attitude

 

4.       Hair and nail care—you’re a professional, look like one

a.       Regular mani/pedi—at least once a month, shoot for twice a month

b.      Regular color and cut—every 6-8 weeks

c.       Put these in the budget!

 

5.       Journaling—every day, even if only a sentence or two

 

6.       Blogging—2-3x/week on personal and joint blogs

 

7.        Daily review of blogs I follow

 

8.       Kindle books—read 3x per week, at least

 

9.       Read one new “real” book each month, e.g., actual book, not digital media

 

10.   At least once a month, spend actual time out with friends (budget!)

 

11.   At least once a week, talk to one or two friends on the phone—not text or Facebook

 

12.   Be more spontaneous, BUT stay in the budget

 

13.   Number one priority—more quality time with the Boy