I find that I still have lingering thoughts about my ex. It's not that I regret divorcing him or anything of that nature. Rather, I'm still having trouble letting go of the hurt, letting go of the pain he inflicted upon me, letting go of the anger, forgiving myself for allowing myself to be manipulated for so many years. I'm a strong person and I've always been my own woman. . . Or at least I thought so. When I was younger, I was probably the most confident of all of my friends. I didn't go through the awkward teen years. I knew who I was and I didn't let anyone manipulate me. I didn't take any shit from anyone.
So, why did I allow so many years of pain and sorrow? It's not an easy answer. Part of the reason it isn't easy is because I didn't realize that I was allowing it. It took a lot of growing and reflection, having things pointed out to me, looking outside of myself and focusing on what was going on. You see, my ex was not a horrible person (at least not until after he became my ex). He was a nice guy. He was lazy as hell, but he was nice. He didn't beat me or anything like that. He just ignored me. And even that wasn't apparent for a long time. He didn’t go out with me to social gatherings or anything, unless it was to one of his friend's homes. He didn’t support my dreams, although I was supporting his emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and financially. I didn't even get an "atta girl" when I got promoted at work.
We separated several years ago, but only for 6 months. When we got back together, we vowed to do things differently. And, for the first year, we did. I think we both worked harder at making the relationship work. But, things started slipping back into the old ways and we just let it go. Neither one of us seemed to care enough to do anything about it. I don't think we even recognized it. It finally came down to waking up one day and realizing that I was done.
I looked at my friends' relationships and none of them were/are happy. I thought that was the way everyone was. You just deal with it. But then I started seeing happy marriages/relationships and realized that I could be happy. So, we split and now I'm working on me. I think I'm basically happy. I just need to get past this last hurdle of letting go of the hurt. I'm not sure how to do that, but I pray and meditate on it. I try not to think about it and when I do, I try to let it go. I write in my journal--sometimes I write scathing letters to him and then don't send them. I just need to get it off my chest. I try to remove myself from situations that remind me of him. And know--I'm not really thinking of him, but rather the pain caused by him.
So for now, I'll keep praying and meditating, and moving on with my life.
Until next time, much peace and love.